Monday, October 15, 2007

I am an angry person, sort of

As I explained yesterday, there are certain things that I like to talk about and certain things that I don't. But there's also this mysterious middle ground that will probably be visited frequently on this blog: I love to talk about things that I hate.

I mean, with stuff like politics and geology, 99% of the time they constitute of things that are too boring to get my blood boiling. But there are certain subjects out there that inspire such insuppressible rancor in me that I can't help but, for lack of a better word, bitch about them.

Today's topic is Dane Cook. As a preliminary summary, Dane Cook is a tool.

I mean, honestly, I feel a little guilty about writing this because nearly everyone with an IQ of over 90 has been going after Dane Cook with a sledgehammer. In ranting on him, I fear I have become as unoriginal as the man itself. But today, I would like to discuss, in list form, several reasons as to why Cook reaches heights of douchery previously unseen in the ranks of standup (or basically the entire world.)


He has stolen material from no less than three established comedians: Louis C.K., Joe Rogan and, most recently, Demetri Martin. It was obvious that I was going to hit on this point, but really, yanking material from other people is the pinnacle of assholery no matter how you look at it.

In a twisted, sick, roundabout way, I almost have to commend him. Taking jokes from comedians who have had some success in the mainstream is a really gutsy move - thus, his balls far out-measure his intelligence. Louis C.K. isn't the hugest name in standup, but if he could get someone to actually produce Pootie Tang, then he must have some kind of clout. Joe Rogan's no comic titan either, but more people know him. Demetri Martin's star has really been rising lately, however, and with that people started to notice that Cook stole a joke off his 2005 CD.

See this video for proof. While I'm here, can I also bring attention to the delivery? Demetri Martin is rehearsed, savvy, deadpan. I don't understand why people enjoy Dane Cook's comedy because he basically screams at you through the entire joke. It's like Comedy Boot Camp.

Anyway, people have defended the similarities by saying that the joke's been around for a while, but the fact still stands - Dane Cook isn't writing his own material and that sucks. I wonder if he'll ever try to write a book? George Carlin has written several and they're awesome. A Dane Cook book would basically be 32 pages of other people's jokes, only in caps lock.


As I touched upon very briefly in the previous point, Dane Cook's style makes me want to die. Or to kill. It inspires death in many manifestations, I guess you could say.

It would be hypocritical for me to judge Cook for being loud; I am no soft-spoken lily in my own right. I know when to turn on the volume, however, and Cook simply doesn't know how to turn it off. All of his jokes start at a reasonable volume, then hit this interminable crescendo where he yells for the next five minutes. That's the median length of a Dane Cook joke, by the way. Homeboy takes way too fucking long to get to the point.

And then there's the body language. I have no words...only images.

(I'm especially fond of this one. He looks like a diseased chicken. See, even my Print Screen button is funnier than Dane Cook!)

If you're wondering about the quality, I capped these from Youtube videos, but I think you get the gist; his idea of humor is doing really bizarre things with his arms and yelling. He's like the class Monkey School.


Corporate. Sellout.

Yeah, yeah. It's not fair to decry someone for finding success, be it undeserved or not. But this motherfucker will do ANYTHING to keep people saying his name in really loud, obnoxious voices. His most notable offenses are his movie roles. Let's take a look at his recent resume:

Torque: Perhaps the biggest tip-off on this list. Anything with a 3.3 on IMDB is bound to be a pure, unmitigated disaster. I haven't seen the movie, but his participation warrants some (negative) attention.
Waiting: To be fair, this was a brilliant fucking move. The movie caters to his EXACT demographic. And we'll get to that later.
London, Mr. Brooks: Here's Dane Cook in some non-comedy films, where many would think he is a woeful miscast, but nooooo. I haven't seen London, but Mr. Brooks was bad, and the role was essentially a reprise of his annoying comic persona. Tooltooltooltooltool.
Farce of the Penguins: Enough said.
Employee of the Month, Good Luck Chuck: Two Dane Cook starring vehicles. Two miserable, universally maligned cinematic apocalypses.

Film is not the only media that he's rubbed his slimy tendrils all over, however. I learned recently that Dane Cook actually composed a song!

...Or did he?

"In late 2007, Cook released a single entitled 'Forward' in support of his upcoming movie, Good Luck Chuck. Members of the Ron and Fez Show staff discussed the song on their September 18 edition and noticed it was very similar to a song by the band Chicago. Upon playing the song 'Forward' back-to-back with Chicago's 'Hard to Say I'm Sorry/Get Away', it became apparent that the two were nearly identical, prompting one listener to say 'Dane Cook writes songs the same way he writes jokes — stealing.'"

I'm starting to wonder if Dane Cook is actually functionally illiterate and just copies everything he hears so he can make it look like he has some abilities. Ad hominem attacks are rude, though, so let's take a look at Dane Cook's fanbase!


Dane Cook's fans are fucking dickholes. To spare myself from the gaping black hole that is a generalization, I'm sure that there's a handful of Cook fans out there that have some semblance of brainpower, but seriously, if I were him I'd be ashamed of the people who claim to like me.

I mean, when you make comedy aimed squarely at the 13-year-old white upper-middle class male, you're bound to get such results. As a more in-depth case study, I looked at a Youtube video's comments. Okay, not too in-depth, but it's Dane Cook; next to him I have more depth than a well-worn Thai hooker.

Granted, the original video isn't that funny, but here are some of the things his chivalrous defenders had to say:

"LOL omg i didnt think there was anyone out there who was more "queer" than Chris Crocker but dude u just proved me wrong. . . only "Fudge Packers" dont like Dane"

"yo f you dane cook rules you are a supper fag!"


"UR A FUCKING FAGGOT! Go play in traffic"

"U know man Dane cook is the funniest guy in the world AND IF YOU THINK NOT THEN U R TRULLY GAY AND HAVE NO DICK!"

Wait, guys...are you noticing a pattern here? I sure am.

I must say that after all this exhaustive ranting about Dane Cook, I feel as if I've accomplished absolutely nothing. Not only that, but I've been indirectly informed that I'm trully gay and have no dick. Missing genitalia aside, however, there's a smug satisfaction that comes with knowing the difference between good standup and Dane Cook, and that's something that's worth sacrificing your much-vaunted penis over.


Will said...

My favorite part is the jokes where he says something and then makes a loud and unnecessarily exaggerated sound effect. At least he's not stealing that little bit of comedic genius.

Meghan said...

oh ma gawd you are such FAG you don't lick Dane Cooks boots like it's your occupation!
oh that's right Dane Cook is a hollywhore and a hack
I rescend my previous comment about your so called "faggotry"
btw... YaY Demetri Martin clips!

Anonymous said...

HAAAAATE Dane Cook. Thank you for explaining why.
That is all.

Jake said...

So as a Dane fan with a graduate degree prepares a defense for dc, here goes.
1.) Have you nothing better to do with your time than bash on a man that is captivating audiences everywhere with his over the top humor?
2.) So he might have stolen some material, I dont give a shit because it must not have been that funny if joe and dimitri couldnt deliver it the way he does
3.) Tools dont sell out Madison Square Garden
4.) Targeting young white males as your audience isnt such a bad idea, when you think about it the rap industry would be an after thought if it wasnt for this demographic
5.) I see that you have a wonderful vocabulary and you can keep it "hood," so in a way, I think that you and dane would mesh well together, but then again you wont be doing to much "jaggin or fuckin" (rough around the edges)since you have aknowledged that your genetals have are missing.
6.) Do you have any Grey Poupon?
7.) Due to your sorry attempt at an occupation, I think that you are really just mad that dane has more myspace fans than you.
8.) Kudos for using an easy to follow numbering system when making your points.
9.) You are right his acting career is somewhat of a joke and if he made a book, it certainly couldnt suffice for his on stage antics.
10.) Maybe you prefer prescription pills, but I ran across a wise fellow once who told me that it was okay to laugh and I'll be damned if dane doesnt do it for me.
11.) I also see that you have found out that you can make statistics and or quotes look nice in support of your blasphemy, but even if these 13 year old zit-ridden punks write some tool-ass-shit on the youtube board, that speaks nothing of the comedy (not movies or books) that dane produces.
12.) Ok and now the finale, I would rather watch dane, mow his lawn, talk about him, or stare at his disease ridden immitation of a chicken image than read your bullshit attempt to tear him down.
13.) Keep hatin bitch, dane is from Boston and he will reck shop on your ass.
Golly I hope I spelled everything right.